2014. Never has a year taken away more from me personally.
I have struggled with it silently. I have been angry at no one in particular. I have thought bitterly and unjustly, whether anyone ever fully understands or feels the magnitude of what I have lost.
There are others who have lost as well. As the year progressed I noticed that the whole world is struggling. Every month, every week, every day, brings news of bloodshed, mishaps, war, disease… of not just a single person, but of masses who have to accept loss as the way of life. People killed brutally on mass media for no good reason. Not disease, not accident, just one person killing another. Perhaps their loved ones have a harder truth to accept than I have, both the victim’s and the perpetrator’s. It has been such a bloody and sad year.
My current predicament sometimes reminds me of one of my favourite quotes, “… and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. ”
Yes, life has hit very hard this time. And I wonder if I will be on my knees forever. I wonder if I have it in me, keep aside moving forward, to even get up.
One of the moments that I love in the movie ‘Crash’ is when Officer Ryan says, “You think you know who you are? You have no idea.”.
Why? Because in the end, the movie makes you realize that despite what we declare to ourselves everyday, idealists or not, despite who we think we are or what we think we are capable of, life can give you a mirror any time, showing you your other side.
I say this now as I remember a conversation I’d had with my dad a long time ago, when I had said I hate complacency. When people settle for less. When they do not want to better themselves or develop themselves. Well, today I am unable to find answers to so many of the questions that I ask myself. I am on my knees, and I fear I have become too complacent to get up.
Perhaps I always was complacent, despite what I’d believed I was those many years ago.
This year is teaching me. Every single day, right up close to my face. It is asking me to accept … all that is lost and what is. To be patient. To persevere. And perhaps most importantly, that life is not a battle for redemption. It just is. To make sense of it right now just the way it is.
On this note, I must also admit something. Except for a friend or two, I have not been in touch with anyone properly. I have not called up any friends or relatives. I have called a few family members, only on a perfunctory basis. I have even given birthday calls a miss. I haven’t replied to your messages on time. I just did not have anything meaningful or heartfelt to say.
Whether you ever stumble upon this page or not, I want to let this tiny corner of the web be a witness that I thank you, my friend, my relative, my family, for bearing with me. I need to get away sometimes. Like I am taking my time right now. But I truly and deeply appreciate your presence and support.