Sometimes I wonder if things can ever work out if I am confident… confident that things will have a positive outcome.

You see, over the years I have realised this time and again… Things just don’t work out when I am confident or seemingly accepting of the end result. Inevitably, and I mean 9/10 times, I fall flat on my face with just the opposite result.

Say, there’s a job interview. And I psych myself up by thinking I think I’m going to do alright. And say it isn’t an all that bad interview either. I go in confident, come out confident. And as a result, I allow myself to hope, hope that I have a chance at cracking it.

Na. Every time, and I mean every single time that I have allowed myself to think that I will get a positive result, it has just been the opposite. Every single time.image

Why am I whinging? Because this has shaped my personality. I am inconfident all the time, because I know being positive doesn’t work. I’m not saying being the opposite and expecting the worst makes things go in my favour either. But it is guaranteed that things will fail if I am expecting something positive.image

Today I am tired. Very tired. With my own crying, pessimistic, dead soul. I just wonder if it is at all possible that nothing will ever work out if I am confident and optimistic no matter what. What will happen if say I give one interview after another and another, and remain positive and hopeful after each one… Will I never crack an interview until the day I crack and give up to my pessimistic side again? Will I live my life always fearful of the worst outcome for everything one has hopes and dreams for, because being hopeful has taught me time and again that it always, always, always leads to failure?image

So here’s a question to God, or the supreme spiritual consciousness or any Guru who cares to listen… Why did you make me this way? When what you teach is to learn to see the beauty in life, to be hopeful, to be positive… Why did you put me on such a path that only the misery of my thoughts gives hope?